Been Caught Wankin'

Your mother gives the bathroom door
A final and desperate yankin' -
"What's taking so long?" she'd implore
'Cept here's something she's not seen before:
Oh, man. You been caught wankin'.

Been caught wankin'

It's probably pretty Freudian,
But it's happened to every man:
Someone walks too suddenly in
And you're left standin' with a silly grin
And your dodger's still in your hand.

I just been readin' N.M.E
'Bout what lately has got cred -
Look, it's true that it might just be me
But I tell you what, as far as I can see
They're massaging Kojak's head.

He's a bloke you could meet any day -
Last names? - why not just drop it?
"Tom and Nicole," he'll often say
In his own familiar nice bloke way.
Hey Ray - get your hand off it.

We all saw the funeral for Lady Di,
And didn't you just want to barf?
The media all with their snouts in the sty,
Crocodile tears caught in their eyes:
You had to be heartless not to laugh.

Why is it just so hard not to gag
When a rock star adopts some big issue?
"No animal cruelty," they're likely to brag
But later they'll put a trout up some slag -
For godsakes, who's used all the tissues?

A bad boy image does no one real harm,
So by all means, go be caught stealin';
Go be caught crackin' car alarms,
Be caught with a needle stuck up your arm -
Just don't be caught with spoof on the ceilin'.