A Miracle Would Happen

JAMIE, at a bar with his friend.

JAMIE:

Everyone tells you that the minute you get married,
Every other woman in the world suddenly finds you attractive.
Well, that's not true.
It only affects the kind of women you always wanted to sleep with,
But they wouldn't give you the time of day before,
And now they're banging down your door
And falling to their knees...
At least that's what it feels like because you
Can
Not
Touch
Them.
In fact, you can't even look at them--
Close your eyes, close your eyes, close your eyes.
Except you're sitting there,
Eating your corned beef sandwich,
And all of a sudden this pair of breasts walks by and smiles at you,
And you're like, "That's not fair!"

And in a perfect world,
A miracle would happen,
And every other girl would fly away,
And it'd be me and Cathy,
And nothing else would matter--
But it's fine, it's fine, it's fine,
I mean, I'm happy
And I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine--
It's not a problem,
It's just a challenge--
It's a challenge to resist temptation.

And I have to say that what exacerbates the problem
Is I'm at these parties,
I'm the center of attention,
I'm the grand fromage,
And here she comes:
"Let's get a cup of coffee.
Will you look at my manuscript?"
And I'm showing her my left hand,
I'm gesticulating with my left hand,
And then WHOOMP! There's Cathy!
'Cause she knows
(They always know)
And there's that really awkward moment
Where I try to show
I wasn't encouraging this,
(Though, of course, I sort of was),
And I don't want to look whipped in front of this woman,
Which is dumb--I shouldn't care what she thinks
Since I can't fuck her anyway!

And in a perfect world,
A miracle would happen
And every girl would look like
Mister Ed,
And it'd be me and Cathy,
And nothing else would matter,
But it's fine, it's fine, it's fine,
You know I love her
And it's fine, it's fine, it's fine--
It's what I wanted
And I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine!
It's not a problem,
It's just a challenge--
It's a challenge to resist
Temptation.

CATHERINE at her final audition for the job in Ohio.

CATHERINE:

When you come home to me,
I'll wear a sweeter smile
And hope that, for a while, you'll stay.
When you come home to me,
Your hand will touch my face
And banish any trace of gray.
Soon, a love will rise anew
Even greater than the joy I felt
Just missing you,
And once again, I'll be
So proud to call you "mine,"
When finally you come home
To me.

JAMIE, on the phone to Cathy in Ohio.

JAMIE:

I'll be there soon, Cathy--
I'll finish up this chapter and be out the door.
I swear I'll be there soon, Cathy--
Don't give up on me yet.
I am so proud of you, baby--
You're doing what you never got to do before--
And I will be there, ripe and crawling,
If fuckin' Random House stops calling.
Don't lose faith--
Don't get down,
Don't despair:
I'll be there!

And in a perfect world,
A miracle would happen,
And that day would finally be here.
And it'd be me and you,
Riding it together,
And the things we do
Goin' like we planned,
We're gonna make it through,
And nothing else will matter--
We'll be fine, we're fine,
We're fine, we're fine, we're fine...
I'll be there soon, Cathy
I swear I will...