Who Will Save New Jersey?

White Dude:

There's a place between heaven and hell

Black Dude:

Don't need a map, just follow the smell

White Dude:

A place filled with filthy air

Black Dude:

A place full of dark despair

Both:

A place you have no prayer

White Dude:

A place called New Jersey

Black Dude:

New Jersey

Both:

Jersey, the Garden State

Black Dude:

There's an exit called the thirteen gee

White Dude:

Right off the turnpike where it smells just like pee

Black Dude:

An exit no one dares get off

White Dude:

An exit where the children cough

Both:

An exit called Tromaville
Tromaville
If the pollution doesn't get you, the aroma will

Sister:

Who will save New Jersey?
We're dying for some air
There's no hope in New Jersey, Lord
Does anybody care?

Three:

Lord, does anybody care?

White Dude:

The story we're about to tell you is so disturbing,
we've stationed a registered nurse outside in the lobby.

Sister:

She is armed with a tranquilizer dart gun for those needing sedation.

Black Dude:

She also has Xanax and Vicatin she got off the internet.

White Dude:

And please, for the love of God, do not turn off your cell phones.

Black Dude:

Mm-mm, nah. You're probably gonna wanna call your mama.

Three:

There's no hope in New Jersey
We're hanging by a thread

White Dude:

We're choking in New Jersey

Three:

We might as well be dead

Sister:

Lord, we need a favor
We need a savvy savior

Three:

But who
Who
Who
Who

Melvin:

I will save New Jersey
I'm Melvin Ferd the Third

Sister:

Not him, Lord!

Melvin:

I'm here for you, New Jersey
On that you have my word
There must be a solution
To end this damn pollution
It's time to start a global revolution
Sister, look at what has infested our town!

Sister:

What is that wretchedness?

Melvin:

It's waste, toxic waste!
The worst problem we ever faced
It's sick, God, its sick
Look what it did to my measuring stick!

Sister:

But where did it come from?

Melvin:

Look there. Across the Hudson River, what do you see?

Sister:

Manhattan.

Melvin:

The beautiful, conceited people of Manhattan.
Happy to use New Jersey as their toxic dumping ground!

Melvin & Sister:

Now, listen up Manhattan
We know, you're stinking rich

Sister:

Your bed sheets may be satin
But Jersey's not your bitch

Melvin & Sister:

Jersey's not your bitch!

Sister:

Bless you, my son.

Melvin:

And don't worry, Sister. Nothing can stop me! Oh, no. The town bullies!

Sarah:

God, I love New Jersey
It's such a state of mind
Why do I love Jersey?
Probably cause I'm blind

Melvin:

Hey, Sarah. It's Melvin.

Sarah:

Melvin, did those bullies beat you up again?

Melvin:

Yeah.

Sarah:

Well, it takes a brave man not to fight back. By the way, have you noticed a new smell in town?

Melvin:

It's giant vats of toxic, nuclear waste! But don't worry...
I swear I'll save New Jersey
But how, I do not know
We need new air in Jersey
And cleaner H2O

All:

In Tromaville
Tromaville
If the pollution doesn't get you, the aroma will

White Dude:

So, there you have it. There will be no intermission tonight. This show is eight hours long.

All:

Help us win, New Jersey

Sister:

Help!

All:

Save us from this goo

Black Dude:

Crap, I just got scurvy

All:

Good God, what can we do?
Damn it, we're New Jersey
We're drowning in the mud

Sister:

Say your prayer for Jersey

All:

Or else we're good and fucked
Good God, we're good and fucked
New Jersey
New Jersey
Jersey
The garden state