"Nicky"

Suppose one day in Bromley, Kent
I live my nightmare & am sent
To sing for blonde suburban women
Before the wives of double-glazers
I'd be Julio Inglesias
Doing the great Sin-Argentinian

Suppose they Barry Manilow me
Screaming "Show me you're a man"
With legs as mottled as salami
Ladies, I'm doing the best I can

This is how Casanova's bum
Becomes a lesson in virility
Set to a bossa nova drum
Sung to tarts decked out like Christmas trees

Then in my dressing room I'd see
This elephant as pink as me
Drinking & singing gloomily
About the time they called me
Yeah the time the called me,
About the time they called me "Nicky"

If I could be him for only an hour
If I could be him before his grand finale
If I could be me, if I could only be
Cute, cute, cute
Absolutely banal

Suppose one evening in Mauritius
Entertaining high officials
High on whores & marijuana
Begging letters from celebrities
Begging "Couldn't you write songs for me?"
I'd blackmail David Bowie & the Dalai Lama

& I'd be an industrialist of song
& I could sell with a wink
The best in showbiz & in drink
Korean floorshows, whiskey from the Congo
Whiskey from the Congo

Me, I'd have a ring on every finger
& a thumb in every state
& every state would be the singer's
& acknowledged, I would legislate

Then in my Hong Kong opium den
Waiting for 1999
I'd spend the years of my decline
Remembering the time they called me
Yeah the time they called me,
Ah, the time they called me "Nicky"

If I could be him for only an hour
If I could be him before his grand finale
If I could be me
If I could only be cute, cute, cute
Absolutely venal

Suppose one day in paradise
I find myself to my surprise
Singing for ladies flapping swans' wings
Plucking on my little harp
I'd be a beacon in the dark
& save the souls of human beings

Then Jesus Christ has hardly christened me
Son of the one in the directory
Between Vic & Jean-Luc Goddard
& I grow my beard & walk on water

& if I really came on strong
& started prancing and Cliff Richard-ing
I know it wouldn't be too long
Before I heard the shadows whispering

How Satan's come in from the cold
He's now the shepherd & his fold
Is shouting out requests for oldies
From the time they called me
Yeah the time they called me
Yeah the time they called me "Nicky"

If I could be him for only an hour
If I could be him before his grand finale
If I could be me
If I could only be
Cute, cute, cute, cute
Absolutely

He could fall asleep at night
He could fall in love all right
He could fall asleep at night

He could fall asleep at night
He could fall in love all right
He could fall asleep at night

He could fall asleep at night
He could fall in love all right
As a rock & roll star