Doin' It The Hard Way

At the early age of three
It first occured to me
A girl should always try to improve herself.
While the others played with toys
I practiced charm and poise.
And finished Dr. Elliot's five foot shell.
I exercised each morning,
Cold creamed my face each night,
Saw my dentist twice a year,
Curbed my appetite.
And so I modestly admit
It didn't help one single bit!

Some girls can make any man dream
By flashing an innocent gleam.
Me, I do and hiccup, curl my upper lip up,
Light a roman candle and scream.
I have to do it the hard way!

Some girls can wear any old rags
And capture the wolves and the stags.
Me, I dress in sables, walk across the tables
Waving three American flags.
I have to do it the hard way.

Let's say there's a dance
They're playing a waltz.
And I want romance,
That's when I begin turning sommersalts.

Some girls can keep men on their toes
By smiling and throwing a rose,
Me, I wrack my noodle, whistle "Yankee Doodle"
Balancing a broom on my nose.
Oh Ima telling you why!
I have to do it the hard way.
I have to do it the hard way.

Suppose there's a park,
A boy on a bench.
I'm out for a lark
So I make him fall with a monkey wrench.

When someone like Hedy Lamarr
Steps into the swankiest bar,
All the fellas get up
Light her cigarette up.
Me, I'd have to smoke a cigar.
And then they call me a car.

Dr., is there a chance for me?
Can't you cure this insanity?
I'm tired of tearing up the town being one of the sights
Wearing funny hats trimmed in neon lights.
Why must all I always be bettered and scorned
Doin' everything the hard way?